Kissing you.

Kissing you made everything else fade away.

I didn’t care who saw us or what they thought. The only thing going through my mind was you. I have never felt like this before and, quite frankly, it scares me. I don’t know how you feel about me and it’s driving me crazy, but I don’t want to push you, I just want to hold you.

It’s been two days since I last saw you, felt you and it feels like so much longer. It seems like a distant memory and I’m trying to hold on but it’s slipping away, the details are fading. The gemstones on your cheeks, the tiny freckle on your nose and your eyes, shining brighter than any of the glitter you had on your face. I could look at you for hours, I could watch you do the most mundane things and still be enthralled. But everything is fading, and I don’t know what to do. If it weren’t for the hickey on my jaw, I wouldn’t even be sure it had happened. And even if it wouldn’t happen again, it’d be surprisingly okay with it, I just need to keep you in my life. 

Usually, I’m the one who runs away, but everything inside me screams to run towards you.

While kissing me you looked at me and said: “You don’t want this.”, it was my chance to push you away because you were drunk and probably didn’t mean it the way I did, but I couldn’t bring myself to, because I’m selfish and I haven’t wanted anything like I did this in a long time.

So here I am, confused and scared and drowning in ‘what if’s’. I don’t know how you feel or if we are going to be something, god I hope we are. All I know right now is that I want to hold your hand again, I want to feel your lips and hold you and not let go.

One year after kissing you.

We never happened.

Things were awkward for a while, at least for me. But I’m okay now, and you’re still my friend, which means the world to me and I might not be the case if we had started a relationship then. So, in a way, I’m thankful that we didn’t.

I’ll never fully forget that moment, I’ll never forget what you made me feel, I’ll never forget how you helped me grow and I never want to forget any of it, I don’t even want to forget how helpless I felt afterwards because you started crying and my presence only seemed to make it worse.

I never actually told how I felt about you that summer, I never told you that you were the first proper ‘crush’ I’ve ever had, I never told you that I never wanted to let you go.

But maybe you’ll read this someday and if you do, just know how grateful I am to have someone like you in my life.